Last year in summer, in the absolutely baking heat (okay so I get hot easily), every time I went on leave from hospital, I lived in a poncho, and I’m not talking a waterproof one, I’m talking a thick woven poncho. Why? Because I thought it hid me. I thought no one could see my weight when I was wearing a massive poncho. I don’t however think I was quite as inconspicuous as I thought walking round Richmond Park in the height of summer in the stereotypical winter attire of an alpaca farmer with my arms out trying to get a breeze through.
While others lived in shorts and T-shirt’s, in bikinis, I lived in my poncho and eventually when I gained a bit more confidence, a men’s size XXXL jumper. I was absolutely terrified of people seeing my body size.
Anorexia for me had started with a way of getting control, but as my brain became more malnourished, so did my ability to see sense, to see my size accurately, to see that no matter my size, I had no one staring at me, no one judging me (in an ideal world), no one thinking the same about my body as I did.
So what about this summer? Well the poncho has retired. Most days the XXL waterproof jacket remains, but a healthy weight has started to bring clarity, a kindness towards myself, a peace with my body. But for me and for so many, summer comes with struggles. So be kind, be patient, be nonjudgemental.
Sending love, light and joy,