A Moderately Happy Anniversary

I’m coming to the end of my second bottle of 180 chewable multivitamins so that must mean one thing: It’s been a year since I was discharged from hospital. This feels like New Year’s Day, with all the resolution making, the wondering where the year went, wondering what I’ve actually achieved, what happened to last year’s resolutions. It’s been 365 long exhausting days so I thought I would reflect and share with you all some of the things I’ve learnt in the past year.

Or at least that’s what I wrote the other night. I wanted to write this long uplifting blog but I keep getting stuck. What have I learnt? What have I actually even achieved in these 365 days? Well I survived them, some of them begrudgingly. I’ve existed some days but I’ve lived some too. I’ve had days where hope has felt lost, and days where I’ve realised it was just hidden by the black clouds of my malfunctioning mind.

This year has been filled with tears, steps backwards, falls and leaps backwards, arguments over food, arguments over inappropriate comments about food and weight and all things anorexia, confusion, fear, days hidden indoors, overwhelmed-ness, eating disorder behaviours, more tears. But it’s also been filled with 11 months of the most magical pup, 12 months of being home with the most beautiful, feisty, scratchy cat, so many ups and downs but ups and downs I have survived, 12 months of friendships old and new, 12 months of family support, 3 months of a relationship, steps forward, crawls and leaps forward, scrunchie making, entering back into a world I still seldom recognise but am getting to rebuild.  

I may not have made any great discoveries, or found any magical healing cures, but I’ve spent 365 days living and existing and hoping and learning every second of every day about how to make sense of this illness, this world, this me. I have spent 365 days out of hospital and don’t get me wrong, the world is still terrifying, confusing, ridiculous but I’m glad to be in it.  

Sending love, light and joy,
Daniela

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