How do I identify myself? Am I the autistic anxious anorexic that I’ve been the past couple of years? Am I the depressed person I was all those years before?
As recovery becomes more tangible and concrete, what am I left with? Anorexia is all consuming. It has the ability to damage, and did for me, relationships, jobs, days, months, years, christmases, birthdays, happy days, almost everything. It was all my thoughts, all my days, all my relationships could possibly be. I was still Daniela, but I was Daniela with anorexia. I was still Daniela but most days it felt like 5% Daniela, 95% anorexia, a near lethal cocktail it turned out.
But now with 95% of my thoughts, my days, and my relationships gone, is this an identity crisis? I’m on the right medication, and I’m accessing the right support so I’m not Daniela with depression like I used to be where 95% of my thoughts were darkness and hopelessness. I’m not Daniela with anorexia where my thoughts were 95% trying to be in control and the same draining hopelessness and darkness and discomfort and panic. I’m still autistic Daniela and always will be, but that’s not a percentage, that’s just me.
So I guess I’m a sparkly little drink of 95% Daniela, 5% Anorexia, and a cocktail umbrella of anxiety. I’m 95% the things I choose to do and the things I get to think now I have the headspace to think them. I am 95% a sister, a daughter, a friend, a girlfriend, a neighbour, a kiln frog. I am 95% the people I get to be around, the job I get to work, the pets I get to pet. The anxiety still permeates everything but I am so much more me than I have been in years and it’s new and exciting and terrifying but I hope it gives you hope.
This isn’t to say anorexia makes you less of a person, or that it has to be your identity, or that your experience is the same as mine was, the damage it created, but it is to say, I promise, once the anorexia is gone, you’ll still be the wonderful person you have always been and are throughout. You’ll just have less bitter taste in your snazzy little cocktail self.
Sending love, light and happiness,