And an unhappy new year

I had a blog planned out for this time of year. It was going to be called “A Merrier Christmas”, only it wasn’t. I had a blog planned out then anorexia happened.

Life has had an upheaval these past couple of months, and suddenly the only things I could control, the only things promising me control were food and exercise. It became all too easy to cut down a bit here, just do 5 more minutes there, so easy that I fell, have fallen, right back in the trap that has ensnared me before. I collapsed into the warm comforting arms of anorexia, only to be reminded that those arms, the ones that were outstretched promising happiness and safety, become the arms that hold the puppet strings. I have become, once again, a slave to anorexia, doing its every command, following every order, questioning if I even have a choice.

I honestly don’t know if this is a blip/wobble/shaky period, or if this is going to turn out like last time but I’m in a constant battle of what Daniela wants, the former, or what anorexia wants, the latter. I do know I’m scared but this time I’m not alone. I have wonderful friends, family, boyfriend, the most supportive neighbours.

The illness, the puppet master that tries so hard to keep me quiet, is at least defeated in one respect: this time I’m shouting. This time I’m honest and saying, things are hard, and I need help.

Shout for yourself. Shout for a chance of recovery, of a better life, of happiness. Shout like your life depends on it, because it very well might.

Sending love, light and happiness,

Daniela

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