I wanted to write something about being autistic, something that’s applicable to my life right now, something that felt pertinent to share.
I’ve been through so many changes recently and the change in routine has rocked the boat but I don’t think that’s something I’ll talk about today. I want to write about societal norms, being autistic and love.
I’ve been through so many stages of my relationship with relationships. I never wanted to go to Uni so I told everyone I was going to get married and have 3 kids before the age of 28. I then left school, realised that wasn’t what I wanted and thought marriage only made sense to make things financially simpler. I’m now engaged. So as you can see, things change.
There’s so many misconceptions about autistic people – one of them being that we don’t want to or try to fit in, or abide by societal norms, but I did. I did because I wanted to fit in and why? Well I wanted to fit in because I knew that would mean people would stop making fun of me. So in my head I was set on fitting in in the only way that didn’t equal having to go to Uni or getting a job straight away, something my mental health didn’t allow: I was going to be a housewife.
There’s also a misconception that autistic people want to be alone. I’ve always struggled with abstract concepts. What is a friend? What is trust? What is love? (Go on, try answer any of those – I can’t). I still don’t know, but I know my life is better with my partner in than without, it’s better with my lovely friends in than without, it’s better with those that I “trust” than without. I like being alone some of the time, maybe a lot of the time, but I still enjoy being with the people I love.
I guess getting married is still fitting in to societal norms but I get to marry my favourite person, and sure it’s easier for joint accounts and what not (I think), but it also just feels like the right thing to do. I’m not the girl I was in school. I’m not trying to fit in to survive. I don’t need to fit in to survive anymore. My diagnosis was the start of a journey of self acceptance, and I am just an autistic girl, in love, whatever the heck that means, and though I fit in, I’m also now happy to stand out.